Expectations, Readjusted

I'm becoming someone else. It sounds dramatic, but I can't think of another way to say it any better. Let me explain.

I was told as a teenager that my hips wouldn't make it past about 50 years old. When you're young and active, that's easy to dismiss as something that happens when you're old. Now, I'm not so young and activity hurts. So I lose weight, thinking that being heavy is causing the pain. The pain gets worse. So I go to the doctor. And they tell me that X-rays and MRIs look good. Sure, I have hip dysplasia and some femoral deformity, but nothing that looks like it needs to be fixed. Again, it is easy to dismiss the threat of early arthritis.

Then, the surgeon pages me to tell me he thinks that he can fix the pain and delay the hip replacement. But he reiterates that even with this surgery that he is recommending, my left hip particularly won't be my natural, God-given joint by my fiftieth birthday.

I have managed, over the last fifteen or so years to ignore the hip replacement in my future. I have cycled and skiied and hiked and swam. I have never had any plans of stopping these things. I always saw myself growing old as the lady who everyone in the neighborhood shakes their head at affectionately, because she's still riding her bicycle to the grocery store at age 80. Probably wearing a funny hat.

Now, in my post-phone-call-with-the-orthopedist world, I'm not going to be that little old lady. After a hip replacement, there will be no skiing or skating for fear of falling and dislocating the hip. There will no hiking, since that will wear out the joint too fast. I can ride my bike to the store, as long as the road there is completely flat and I don't buy anything when I get there. I will be able to swim, so now I see myself as the little old lady who everyone shakes their head at because she still wears a bathing suit.

The crux of the issue for me is that I have to change what I'm expecting out of life. The whole rest of my life. I chose a career that demands that I stand, walk and run when necessary. After a hip replacement in a young person, failure of that joint is anticipated, since the joint doesn't have as long of a lifespan as the patient. In that case, it may get to the point that I can't perform my job adequately. Does anyone expect themselves to be the person who has to stop working and go on disability? Of course not. I want to retire, because I had a fulfilling career and it is time to focus on other things. I want it to be my choice. It very well may not be.

As I settle into this new future that I should have been (but wasn't) expecting, I find that I can see myself finding peace with it. It's different than what I thought my life would be, but I can start to see how this life might be okay, too.

That being said, I want to ride my bike a few years longer.